Trials.

To be honest, I haven't thought about blogging much in the last few days, because quite frankly I wouldn't know where to begin. Life has been extraordinarily trying the last couple weeks, and I'm feeling pretty worn out. Work, family, friendships and finances have been testing my strength and trust in God. Which in some ways is really awesome because it's forcing me to think outside myself and rely on Him in ways I'd forgotten how to. Ways I'm still trying to remember how to. When someone says "Lean on Him", all I can think of is "What does that look like?" I struggle with those cliche statements that are supposed to make sense to me because I'm a believer. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty how does one actually lean on Christ? We pray, we read His Word, we fellowship, and yet somehow through all that, the anxiety and worry are still there. Brewing beneath the surface, just waiting for the one trigger that will blow the whole thing up. The one comment or thought that drives one to tears. And let me tell you this. I do not cry well. I get all puffy faced and red. The snot builds up instantly and I can't breathe within seconds. It's a pretty fantastic sight really. Just ask Mondo. He loves it.

So that's where I am. Somewhere between I-Don't-Know-Where-To-Turn and God-Has-Given-Me-Peace. Somewhere still in the muck and mire, but with a rope dangling to pull me out. I still worry that my "leaning" on Christ may be a figment of my imagination, that I'm not truly and completely relying on Him, but I'm working through that.

However, I do think we're on the upside of it all, and I have to say that I wouldn't be here without Mondo. He's been such an encouragement to me, keeping me focused, trying to stay positive, and letting me cry when I need to. He's been so patient, and kind with me. Understanding and uplifting. He's given me so much to think about and has let me vent. He is everything I've wanted in a best friend, companion, and husband my entire life. He gives me so much to be thankful for. Maybe God is allowing Mondo to be my tangible crutch, even if just for now, until I'm ready to fully surrender to Him.

Mondo, you are my heart. Thank you for holding me up these last few weeks. It means more than you'll ever know.