I'm back. And this post is boring.

Wow. It's been a minute since I posted. 2.5 years actually. Which seems crazy because I just reread my last post and it seems like that just yesterday. When in fact, it did not. I haven't been to Zumba long enough for my ass to have tripled in size. Well the fact that I just had a baby 2.5 months ago doesn't help that either...

And that's where I am. I'm a mom. I have a baby girl, named Evelyn. She's amazing. When people talk about how hard having a newborn is I nod my head in agreement but inside I'm thanking God for giving me such an easy baby. She sleeps 6 hours a night consistently, naps like it's her job and eats like a champ. A pudgy, healthy champ. She's my joy. Actually, that isn't entirely accurate. She's part of my joy.

Mondo is another part. He's consistent, and kind. He takes care of me in ways I didn't know I needed to be cared for. Yes he still snores all night, and sometimes makes me so mad I want to throw something, but he's a gift. And I'm very lucky to have him. In spite of the fact that I tried really hard to ruin our marriage, he managed to stick by my side.

4 months after our wedding, Mondo's mom passed away. She had a stroke, and was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She died February 26, 2 days before her and Joe's 41st wedding anniversary. It was a dark time in our house. Mondo was the glue that held his family together during that time, but when it was just us I could see the boy who missed his mom. Her death changed us. It made us stronger sure, realizing we could handle anything. But it changed us. We became a couple who without a doubt could see through the other's smile. Know what the other was really thinking and feeling. We felt things differently. When we fell asleep in each others arms at night we knew we were home, really truly home.

And then a year later I started to feel like maybe that weren't true. I started struggling with our life. We were spending so much time with my father in law. I hated my job. I felt like a terrible wife when I came home and couldn't muster up the energy to cook or engage with my husband. We started to house buying process and for a time I felt like me again. I had a focus, a goal. There was paperwork and viewings. Logistics to settle for the move, and cleaning to be done. We moved in, settled in, and the depression decided it was time to return. Most days I could manage it. I got a new job, working from home. For a bit it was really nice not to have to worry about getting dressed or wearing makeup. But after a couple months I started noticing my desire to be a part of the outside world waning. I didn't care if I even spoke to anyone else. I was perfectly content sitting with my computer, watching hours of tv and eating. Non-stop eating.

With the holidays at our doorstep, Mondo agreed to an impulsive purchase and New York was on our radar. We spent 10 days breathing crisp, cool city air. Walking for hours a day taking it all in. Eating like kings, and genuinely enjoying each other. It was just what I needed. I came home recharged, ready to take on the world. I had plans. I was going to drop some weight, get my Christmas shopping done early, and spend time every week doing something I loved.

Then, December 5th I found out I was pregnant. What a shock to my system. We obviously weren't trying to prevent it. We knew we wanted kids, and we had a plan. After New York we would start trying...and bam! I've never had EVERY emotion run through my body at once like that. It was crazy.

Without all the details, I'll just say this. I did NOT like being pregnant. It was hard. I had a great pregnancy, healthy all the way. But I will say that pregnancy is for the birds. I hated being completely out of control of my own body. Aside from the hormones, there was the unexpected body odor, the vaginal discharge and the peeing when I sneezed. And the eating...oh man it took everything I had in me not to eat everything in sight.

But 9 months later I had a beautiful, strong, funny little girl. And she was mine. And Mondo's of course, but she had come out of me. That bond will never die. I pushed that little 7 pound 12 ounce lump of flesh and bone out my lady bits and I will hold that over her head for the rest of my life.

Motherhood has been a real ride. Most days are filled with smiles, and laughter. She's quirky and sassy. She makes me want to be the best person I can be. Which I will ultimately fail at, because some days I don't make the conscience choice to be my best. Some days I let her ride in her swing every time she naps, and I cry watching an episode of Law & Order SVU I've already seen. I eat donuts and cookies, and then some more cookies because I feel bad about my weight. I text my friends, and ask for prayer because I feel like I'm losing myself.

And that's why I'm writing today. I don't know if anyone will read this. But I needed to write it down. I feel like I'm losing myself. Like I've suddenly become someone else. I'm a mom. I love my daughter. But other than that I feel nothing. I don't feel like a wife, lover or friend to my husband. I feel like a stranger in my own home. Hired to take care of Evvie, and keep the house clean. So I guess I do feel something. But it's not what I want to feel. And I don't know how to shake all of it. Mondo asked me what I needed, and I couldn't answer him. Because I don't know what can be done or said to bring me back to me. I think maybe acknowledging how I feel is a good start. Pretending like nothing is wrong isn't good. So embracing it, putting it into words, must be good.

Man, this blog is boring.